- The moment I noticed how often I was saying sorry
- Apologising is conditioned, not politeness
- How patriarchal power teaches women to soften everything
- What is Usually Misunderstood About Women?s Apologies
- The professional cost of constant apologising
- What stopping looks like
- Learning to take up space without performing niceness
- A Grounded Conclusion
I am a smiley person; I have always been one. But even more so since the day I received bad feedback for being too effective in my communication. I should put more cotton in my communication, written and oral So I started to soften up, not being so tough, decisive, directive. I should wear the responsibility in other words of how my words land and how they make others –men- feel. And this should feel “comfy”, “cushioned”.
The moment I noticed how often I was saying sorry.
I did not notice it during my first years in corporate life. I was too busy learning, adapting, proving I belonged, or I deserved. But at some point, somewhere between my thirties, a leadership role, and the permanent exhaustion that comes with juggling all demands, I started hearing myself. Same I heard others. I heard others first actually and then I started taking my own advice.
?I?m sorry, just one question.?
?Sorry, maybe I?m wrong but??
?Sorry, I know you?re busy.?
“Sorry to say, but?”
Women are apologising even before asking for information they need to do their job or voicing the opinion I know matter and has a place at the table. Before expressing an opinion or asking a question they are actually paid to have. Before taking up a few seconds of space in a meeting they have prepared for, and they have been actively listening and participating to.
Once I noticed it, I couldn?t stop noticing it. I always tell my husband, with patriarchy anything you have seen, you can never unsee. Not just in myself, but in almost every woman around me. Smart women. Young women. Experienced women. Women who carried teams, projects, families, and invisible labour on their backs. All competent and all entitled to their being inquisitive, demanding, opinionated. Apologising constantly, sometimes with words, sometimes with gestures, tone, posture, and the worst: hesitation.
We are taught this is manners, isn’t? But this is in fact about power. You will never unsee it.
Apologising is not politeness. It?s conditioning.
We are often told that women apologise more because we are more empathetic, more socially aware, more relational. That explanation is comforting. It suggests choice. It suggests virtue. That explanation sounds flattering, but it hides something more uncomfortable. The same as when we hear that people like feminine qualities in women, the soft-spoken voice and rounded, polite way of speaking.
But what I?ve observed, and lived, is something else.
Women and girls are taught early that our presence is conditional. That our voice must be justified. That interruption is rudeness when we do it, efficiency when men do it. That confidence in women reads as arrogance, while hesitation reads as humility and restraint as professionalism. Apologising becomes a social lubricant.
Apologising becomes a way to smooth the interaction before it becomes dangerous.
A way to pre-empt punishment. A way to signal I know my place. I?m not a threat. I won?t disrupt the order. See? I will ask the question, but I will first signal to you that, what, I should not? Otherwise, why would we excuse ourselves to do so?
In professional environments shaped by patriarchal norms, apologising is not neutral and surely not is politeness. I cannot remember a single time where a man junior or senior started a line of questioning by saying “sorry?”. For us, it is a survival strategy learned over time, to be accepted or at least not rejected by the dominant group. Add to that being from a POC group and maybe a neurodivergence that takes no bullshit, and you have a distinct behaviour.
How many times have I been qualified as “fearless”, “aggressive”, “opinionated”. For voicing the opinion strongly, unapologetically and asking the question that disrupts. The two very qualities that make me outstanding at my job.
How patriarchal power teaches women to soften everything
Patriarchy operates through explicit discrimination. But mostly and the most effectively, it works through tone, expectations, and constant micro-corrections. And the last and most powerful mechanism is when those are internalized by women and the men around them.
We learn that:
- A direct woman is ?difficult?
- A decisive woman is ?cold?
- A woman who speaks too much, too often, too loudly, is ?too much?
- A woman of color who is assertive is aggressive
So, we soften. We wrap statements in apologies, in smile, soft tone of voice. We cushion requests with disclaimers. We ask permission for things that were never required of men.
I was an outstanding professional. I received outstanding reviews. I remember to this day distinctively the first time a received a bad review in “People” (2 out 5, 5 being the best – when I was used to 4 and 5 in all areas of evaluation). As was senior at the time, working on a project with an American bank. Americans are, my fellows Europeans would agree, very direct in their communication, even more so written. Their emails read as “Hi, can we pleas have that for DATE” or “Hi, pls advice. XXX”. So to adapt my communicated, I rooted the Frenchwoman in me out and starting writing shorter emails with less of the “Good morning, I hope this email finds you well. I wanted to check in and see xxx. Looking forward to talk to you, with my best regards, XXX” You get the idea. (On that note: recommend the Culture Map”). Well, I was punished for it. My (French) Manager at the time, told me after asking why I received such a bad great, that I should put more “cotton” in my emails and communications in general. I received the public, graded injunction to SOFTEN, make myself more “comforting” or ?reassuring? for others.
This is not accidental. Systems of power rely on some people constantly managing how they are perceived, while others move through the world without that burden.
Men are rarely taught to apologise for existing in professional spaces. Women are. And they are from a young age.
What is usually misunderstood about women?s apologies
There is a common misunderstanding that women apologise because they lack confidence. I don?t think that?s true, or at least, not fully.
Many women who apologise constantly are deeply competent. They know their work. They see the bigger picture. They often over-prepare.
The apology is not about doubting the content. It is about fearing the reaction. I have been since then smiling, softening etc It is a lack of safety in delivery.
It is the learned awareness that being too direct might backfire. That a question might be interpreted as ignorance. That disagreement might be read as disloyalty. I always say asking the question is sign of intelligence and disagree is the best form of loyalty
The professional cost of constant apologising
The problem is that apologising shapes perception over time.
When you apologise before speaking, you:
- Undermine your authority before it?s even challenged
- Frame your contribution as a disruption rather than a contribution
- Signal uncertainty even when none exists
Over months and years, this matters. Not because people consciously penalise women for apologising, but because power responds to cues. And apologies are cues of deference.
I have seen women with sharper analysis and deeper understanding be overlooked in favour of louder, less thoughtful voices, partly because they kept apologising for taking up space.
What stopping looks like
Stopping does not mean becoming aggressive or careless. It means removing unnecessary apologies where no harm has occurred.
Some examples I?ve practiced, imperfectly, deliberately:
- Instead of: ?Sorry, can I ask a question??
? ?I have a question.? - Instead of: ?Sorry, I might be wrong but??
? ?From my perspective?? - Instead of: ?Sorry for the delay? (when the delay was reasonable)
? ?Thank you for your patience.? - Instead of apologising for needing clarification
? Ask the clarification directly.
These are small changes. But they change how you feel in your body and mind, and how others respond.
Learning to take up space without performing niceness
This is the hardest part. Because many women are not just afraid of professional consequences, we are afraid of relational ones.
We are afraid of being disliked. Of being perceived as rude. Of losing the fragile goodwill we?ve been taught to protect.
But here is the uncomfortable truth: professionalism does not require constant self-erasure.
Men are not more respected because they apologise less. They apologise less because the system was not built to question their right to speak.
Stopping the apology is not about becoming someone else. It is about unlearning a behaviour that was never neutral.
Women perform niceness for their safety and out of fear. This is true in corporate setting, this is also true in everyday life.
Conclusion
I still catch myself apologising. Especially when I?m tired. Especially when the room feels hostile or dismissive. Unlearning conditioning takes time. So before you ask for an apology – stop and ask yourself “have I done something wrong here”.
But every time I stop myself, every time I ask the question without saying sorry, state the opinion without cushioning it, something changes in me. It reinforces the fact that nothing bad did happen. It reminds me that if I am going be dislike by a particular person, or man, so be it. I realized with years passing that I refuse to work with idiots and being myself is the best filter to my personal and professional relationships I will ever know.
Speaking up and showing up unapologetically is great practice to remind me that my voice does not require permission.
And neither does yours.
